The 10 Best Jokes At The Edinburgh Fringe That Only Work In Context

The 10 Best Jokes At The Edinburgh Fringe That Only Work In Context
  1. “Dun-kirk” – Daniel Kitson
  2. “But then my clitoris hasn’t been mutilated.” – Bridget Christie
  3. “That was wonderfully pointless.” – Will Adamsdale
  4. “Here’s a condom.” – Will Franken
  5. “Maybe it isn’t.” – Luisa Omeilan
  6. “Vegetables.” – Adam Riches
  7. “That isn’t demerara it’s muscavado.” – John-Luke Roberts
  8. “Stop telling me about oranges.” – Josie Long
  9. “Really? Now?” – Mark Watson
  10. “I do voodoo.” – Lucy Beaumont

Schrödinger’s Diary

Schrödinger’s Diary

October 15th, 1935

Have resolved that the best way to demonstrate my problems with the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics is by putting animals in boxes. Went to Homebase and bought a box.

October 16th, 1935

Put a goose in the box but the bastard kept spoiling it. “Is it alive or dead?”, I asked Agatha, my housemaid, with a quizzical look on my face and stroking my beard thoughtfully. Her reply was devastating. “It is clearly alive Herr Schrödinger. I can hear it honking”.

October 17th, 1935

Could not get a cow in the box.

October 18th, 1935

Managed to source an alpaca but they are uncooperative, willful creatures and poo a lot. Was able to get it in the box only if I got in with it, which defeats the object. Spent most of today cleaning alpaca poo out of the box.

October 19th, 1935

Got a chicken in the box but I closed the lid too quickly and accidentally killed it, invalidating the experiment. Had a lovely dinner today.

October 20th, 1935

Day off. Went to Homebase to look at glueless laminate flooring.

October 21st, 1935

Finally some success! Got a cat in the box. I have completely forgotten why I started doing this.

Phantom Hats

One of my favourite christmas traditions is the pulling of the crackers, because it leads to the wonderfully British forced jollity of the wearing of the paper hats.

The best thing about wearing a paper hat isn’t the fact that it’s hilarious ( it is ) it’s the bit later in the day when you take the hat off and it still feels like you’re wearing a hat and you spend ages touching your head thinking you’ve got a hat on. “Phantom Hat”, scientists would call it, if they named it, which they haven’t.
Phantom Hat is a nice demonstration of what the neuro-linguistic programming types call the idea that “the map is not the territory”. That what you see, feel, smell and hear isn’t reality but a picture that your brain has assembled from all the bits and pieces of random data being flung at it. Nostrils sucking up gas, eyeballs sucking in light, ears tuning out children or partners.

The important point is that your brain has a lot of work to do assembling this huge pile of flotsam and jetsam, noise and light, gas and tickles, into something concrete that you understand, and that that process can go wrong. It can be affected by mood, subconscious weirdness or Baileys or whatever. Reality is something your brain has invented and it’s within its power to invent it differently.

Sometimes it helps to remember that even though it definitely, definitely feels like you’re wearing a hat, maybe you aren’t.

The World Cup Draw: Explained

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The draw for the 2014 FIFA World Cup will take place in Costa do Sauipe at 16:00 (GMT) today. The process for the draw has been criticized for being confusing and complicated. This explainer will hopefully clarify matters and allow you to enjoy the magnificent hours of entertainment a draw for a major footballing event offers.

The 32 teams are divided into four “pots” of 8, depending on their geographical region on the official FIFA world map, which is noticably different from normal ones. The purpose of the draw is to allocate these 32 teams into 8 “groups” ( A-H ) of four teams each.

  • Pot A consists of Brazil, Spain, Argentina, Belgium, Colombia, Germany, Switzerland & Uruguay. Brazil have already been allocated to group A, on account of being the host nation. Teams in this group are “Seeded”.
  • Pot B consists of Ivory Coast, Ghana, Algeria, Nigeria, Cameroon, Chile & Ecuador. Teams in this group are “Honey and Oat”.
  • Pot C consists of Japan, Iran, South Korea, Australia, United States, Mexico, Costa Rica & Honduras. Teams in this group are “Hearty Italian”.
  • Pot D consists of Bosnia-Hercegovina, Croatia, England, Greece, Italy, Netherlands, Portugal, Russia & France. Teams in this group are “Italian Herbs and Cheese”.

Keen eyed observers will have noted that the pots are unbalanced. Pot B ( Honey and Oat ) contains seven teams and Pot D ( Italian Herbs and Cheese ) contains nine. This is not a mistake. A pre-draw will take place in which one randomly selected team will move from Italian Herbs and Cheese and become Honey and Oat. This will balance the pots and also do a great job of making the draw process longer, meaning there will be more brilliant entertainment for everyone.

The next stage is to draw all the teams from Pot A ( Seeded ) into a group. Remember that Brazil are already in group A. Then, all the teams from Pot B ( Honey and Oat ) will be drawn into a group. Now it gets tricky. The team that we moved from Pot D ( Italian Herbs and Cheese ) can only be placed in a group that contains a South American team from Pot A ( seeded ). To facilitate this, a temporary virtual Pot X ( Wholemeal Wheat ) will be created containing the South American teams from Pot A ( Seeded ). This is not a real pot, it exists only in your mind. A team will be drawn from Pot X ( Wholemeal Wheat ) and their group is the group the European team we moved earlier from Pot D ( Italian Herbs and Cheese ) will be placed in. The virtual Pot X ( Wholemeal Wheat ) will then be destroyed ( in our minds ) and teams in Pot B ( Honey and Oat ) will be drawn into groups as normal. Simple. Oh, except that if a South American team from Pot B ( Honey and Oat ) are drawn in the same group as a South American team from Pot A ( Seeded ) that group will be skipped and they will be placed in the next available group.

I know what you’re thinking – “But what if we draw the last team in Pot B ( Honey and Oat ) and it’s a South American team and the only group left for them to go in also has a ( Seeded ) South American team? What then?”

Should this nightmare scenario occur, the World Cup will simply be abandoned for 2014. This would be a shame as a lot of investment has been made in infrastructure.

Teams from Pot C ( Hearty Italian ) and Pot D ( Italian Herbs and Cheese ) will then be drawn into groups in order, with no further complications except that officials conducting this stage of the draw will be required to have some part of their body in contact with a truck at all times.

Once all the teams are in groups, you can turn off to be honest. If you stay, there will be a further draw to determine the position of each team within their group. Teams from Pot A ( Seeded ) automatically assume position 1. The other three in the group will then draw randomly for positions 2, 3 and 4.

Das ist Fifawang.

Twitter Image Previews

I got fed up of the image previews on Twitter, so I done made a little chrome extension that destroys them.

IF YOU USE CHROME:

1. Download the file (link below) and save it somewhere on your machine.

2. Rename the file you downloaded to “Twitter-RemoveImagePreviews2.user.js” – WordPress mangles it and it has to be called this to work.

3.  In Chrome, go to “chrome://chrome/extensions”

4. Drag the file from where you saved it into chrome

5. Hit OK, whatever, yada yada.

You can remove it any point by going to chrome://chrome/extensions

IF YOU USE FIREFOX:

1. You need to install Greasemonkey

2. Download the file below, and rename it to “Twitter-RemoveImagePreviews2.user.js”

3. Install it as described here

NO WARRANTY IS IMPLIED ETC, IT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS IF THIS KILLS YOUR COW OR ANYTHING

Twitter-RemoveImagePreviews3.user.js

5 Items Of Clothes Every Man Should Own

I’ve spent most of my 30+ years alive fully dressed, so I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two about clothes.

I don’t know if I’m a dedicated follower of fashion, a fashionista or a style icon but somewhere behind that awesome looking facade is a man. In my opinion, if you’re a man, you need to own these items of clothes.

1. T-Shirt

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I bloody love t-shirts. They cover up most of your torso and some of your arms so they’re very practical, and they come in loads of colours so they can be really fashionable. Every bloke worth their salt has one or more of these. Classic.

2. Shoes

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Every bloke will have seen Die Hard and remember that bit where Hans goes “shoot the glass” and then the long haired blonde guy shoots the glass and then John McClane has to walk around getting his feet all cut on broken glass. Shoes are bang-on essential.

3. Trousers

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I used to wear trousers when I was younger, still wear them today. Love the way they keep your legs in, all cosy. Also, an essential part of any bloke’s relationship. How are you supposed to be the one who wears the trousers if you haven’t got any trousers? You can’t, that’s just a fact.

4. Socks

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Brilliant as shoes are ( see above ), I find they’re not the same without socks. Every decent bloke will want to own at least a couple of pairs of these suckers. I remember once I was in someone’s house and they had laminate flooring and I couldn’t wear my shoes indoors and I didn’t have socks so my feet were well cold. Brrr. Shoulda had socks.

5. Pants

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If you haven’t tried pants before, you’re proper missing out. This is basic blokewear. Love the way they keep you tucked in and stop you flapping around like a bullwhip. My advice: invest in at least one decent pair. Last thing any bloke needs when stripping for action is to have “crap pants stop play” if you know what I mean I’m talking about sex.

Premier League Teams

Following Hull’s decision to rebrand themselves as Hull City Tigers, most other Premier League teams are expected to follow suit. This is the complete list for the start of next (13/14) season.

Arsenal vs Predator
Aston Villa la Vida Loca
Cardiff Exclusive Offers On Bathroom Tiles
Chelsea Pterodactlys
Crystal Palace Gonna Knock You Out
Everton Honey Badgers
Fulham Hollaback Girls
Hull City Tigers
Liverpool Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
We Built This Man City On Rock And Roll
Manchester United #YOLO
Newcastle Swans
Norwich A-HA!
Southampton of House Targaryen, of the blood of old Valyria, the dragon’s daughter, we swear to you that those who would harm you will die screaming.
It’s Sunderland Motherfuckers
Tottenham Fifths
Stoke Have You Been Injured In A Fall At Work
Swansea Zebras
West Brom Nom Nom Nom Noms
West Ham Love You Long Time